Fun with Pop Culture: It's August, bitch!

Introducing...

Why?

Because Breaking Bad is awesome – and returning this Sunday to AMC...  Because we're in the dog days of the offseason and there's just not that much to discuss...  Because CSI: Miami and CSI: NY are no more...  Because I enjoy half-baked ideas that are fun but don't totally make sense...

Because it's August, bitch!!!!

The R.V. is The Garden

They're small, dingy, and not without glaring faults (frequent stall outs and bullet holes, no air conditioning but plenty of rats).  Still, you can't replace the magic of where it all began.

The Methamphetamine is Banners

Meth heads might think they have it rough once they get a taste of Walt's pure, blue product, but Celtics fans know there's nothing more addicting than hanging championship banners.  (IT'S ALL ABOUT 18.)

Mike Ehrmantraut is Danny Ainge

These two ice-cold, steel-hearted men want nothing to do with "half measures" – Mike, because of some dirtbag back in Philly, and Danny, because of those tough, lean years in the 90s, post-Big Three.

Gus Fring is Red Auerbach

The super savvy and highly intimidating architects of formidable empires, both Gus and Red were forced off their thrones by unworthy successors (Walter White and Rick Pitino).

Saul Goodman is Rick Pitino

I know, I know.  I just implied that Pitino was matched up with Walter White – but the comparisons here are mostly self-contained.  Setting continuity aside, who oozed "Better Caul Saul" sleaze more than Coach P?

Todd is Kris Humphries

Because sometimes, you wake up one day and realize: Wait... THIS GUY'S on MY TEAM?!?  And it's unpleasant.

Steve Gomez is Mike Gorman

Similar last names?  GOT IT.  Awesome goatees?  GOT IT.  Shared roles as clear-headed, even-tempered sidekicks?  GOT IT.  And here's one where we do have continuity, because...

Hank Schrader is Tommy Heinsohn

...Gomie's partner is totally Mike's.  Both Hank and Tommy are big, gregarious guys with smarts, experience, and good noses for conspiracy (be it at Los Pollos Hermanos or in the referee huddle) in their respective fields.

Marie Schrader is Rajon Rondo

These two drive you nuts with their shortcomings (kleptomania, poor shooting, inconsistent effort and frequently off-putting personalities) but endear themselves to you with passionate devotion (taking in Holly and Walt Jr., standing by Hank during his difficult rock mineral phase, and playing through a dislocated elbow).  Also: they're quirky as hell (rollerskating, the Connect Four fixation, and all that purple).

Don Eladio is Pat Riley

Just a couple of villainous dudes with slicked-back hair who hang out in nice sunny places, content to torment their adversaries for decade upon decade from afar.

The Cousins are The Bad Boys

No man or woman who laid eyes on the spilled blood in their wake could ever deny that these were monsters of men, consumed with an unquenchable thirst for violence in pursuit of their enemies.  And the cousins were pretty bad, too.

Gale Boetticher is Magic Johnson

Everybody liked Gale and everybody liked Magic, but fate pitted Walt and Jesse against their poetry-reciting colleague – and us against Earvin.

Lydia is Wyc Grousbeck

The international business moguls pulling the strings from the top.

Jesse Pinkman is Antoine Walker

Despite some particularly hard-to-forgive sins (abysmal conditioning and shot selection, meth distribution and homicide), these guys' big hearts make them two of my favorite distinctly flawed characters of all-time.  Also, Jesse is smarter than he seemed at first (see: plotting the train heist and evidence-destruction-via-magnets) and 'Toine was more talented than you remember (see: offensive rebounding, ball-handling and court vision).  Also x2: the way Pinkman says "Bitch!" = The Walker Wiggle.  Goofy yet superb.  In fact, the next time I play hoops and knock down a three, I may have to shout "Because there ARE no fours, bitch!!!!" – followed by a shimmy.

Skinny Pete & Badger are Dee & Dino

Because I don't pass up any opportunity (however contrived) to mention Dee Brown or Dino Radja.

Skyler White is Paul Pierce

Skyler is the Truth.  When Walter is hiding everything in the early-going of the series, Skyler knows he's up to something with that second cell phone.  When Walter is in denial about the danger his business dealings pose to their children, Skyler sees it clearly and sends them off to Hank and Marie's.  When Walter is blind to the pointlessness of continuing to profit off of all those junkies in the Czech Republic, it's Skyler who brings him back to earth by showing him the idle cash piled in that storage unit.  Plus, I'm pretty sure Paul will have at least one super-vindictive "I effed Ted" moment against the Celts this season.

Walt Jr. is Brad Stevens

Because Brad Stevens might look more like a high schooler than RJ Mitte.

Walter White is Mark Blount

If you "like" Walter White, you hate this comparison... but for me, Walter White and Mark Blount are both most notable as handsomely compensated douchelords.  While Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan's description of Walter as Mr. Chips-turned-Scarface is totally quotable, I've never found it totally appropriate.  Why are we calling pre-diagnosis Mr. White "Mr. Chips"?  From what we see, Mr. White was a highly bitter, highly reluctant educator.  Hardworking?  Definitely.  Family man?  Sure.  Just like an inflated estimate of Mark Blount's virtues after the '03-'04 season led to that undeserved big contract, however, the inflated estimate of Walt's old virtues (aw shucks, he's a just high school science teacher at heart!) has led to undeserved good will.  (Can you tell I'm in the hoping-Walt-gets-what-he-deserves camp?)

...And finally...

Duane Chow is Ray Allen

Because comparing Walter and Sugar Ray would have been too easy – and too complimentary for them both (de-emphasizing Walter's low character and emphasizing that Ray's a badass).  This is a better fit.  I don't harbor a lot of negative feelings towards Ray or Chow, but these dudes are traitors.  (Roasted, bitch!)


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Agree with my casting?  Disagree?  Have any other Breaking Bad-Celtics comparisons to share?  Think this was a colossal waste of time – both mine and yours?

Leave it in the comments!